On the couch with the Decepticon Armada
by Prander
Summary: The three classic Decepticon jets have a sit down. But can they sit still? Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you and announcement. :)
1. Chapter 1

Audio manuscript from Ellen C. Dedre. PsyD. August 11th, 2014. Session # 137

"Well, here we are. I would like to thank you three gentleman for coming in today. Shall we get started?"

"**I don't see why I have to be here. I've done this already." **- Starscream

"Oh? But my records indicate that no Decepticon has ever finished a session."

"**Why dontcha tell her the real reason you never finished one, Starscream?"** - Thundercracker

"**Hehehe."** - Skywarp

"**Shut up, you!"** - Starscream

"Gentleman, please. Now...am I to understand you are Starscream?"

"**I'm Thundercracker."** - Thundercracker

"Ah. Well it say's here, according to your seating arrangement, Starscream is on the far left."

"**See that, Starscream? You messed her up already."** - Thundercracker

"Excuse me?"

"**He insisted on sitting in the middle."** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah, the prima donna felt it was more throne-like."** - Skywarp

"**Quiet, you clods."** - Starscream

"**Some megalomania, huh Doc?"** - Thundercracker

"**That's a big word, Thundercracker. You better take a nap after using it."** - Starscream

"Gentleman, if you would just..."

"**At least my nap times don't include teddy bears!"** - Thundercracker

"**Hahaha!"** - Skywarp

"**I told you not to bring that up anymore! Say it again, and face my wrath!"** - Starscream

"**Yeah, yeah, yeah."** - Thundercracker.

"Please! No brandishing of fists. There's no need to lash out at each other. It's just a seating arrangement."

"**Well it's quite natural I sit in the middle, my good Doctor."** - Starscream

"**Oh boy, here we go."** - Skywarp

"**Are you gonna spout off about how it's your rightful place of leadership again?"** Thundercracker

"**Nooooo. It's because back at base I'm usually surrounded by **_**stupid**_**!"** - Starscream

"**Hey, fuck you man!"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah, who are you talking to anyway?" **- Skywarp

"**I'm talking to you, you **_**dolt**_**."** - Starscream

"Excuse me, Skywarp? Are you Skywarp?"

"**Yeah, that's me." **- Skywarp

"**Yes Doctor, he's the Decepticon we had to spray paint his name on his chest so he wouldn't forget it."** - Starscream

"**I remember that."** - Thundercracker

"**Hey!"** - Skywarp

"**And then he went around asking everybody who is ****prawyks****?"**- Starscream

"**Knock it off! That was when Prime punched me in the head, remember?"** - Skywarp

"**Prime must have punched you in the head a lot."** - Starscream

"**Haha!"** - Thundercracker

"**Why you no good..."** - Skywarp

"Gentleman, please! I simply need you to take your proper seats according to your color schemes. Then we can get started. I was supposed to address Starscream in the far left chair as my first priority."

"**Priority? **_**First**_** priority?"** - Starscream

"Yes."

"**...get out of my seat, Thundercracker!"** - Starscream

"**Oh for cryin' out loud."** - Thundercracker

"**Come on, chop chop! You heard her! Get in your proper seats, you fools."** - Starscream

"**If this is by color scheme maybe she should check for the one that's piss yellow!"** - Thundercracker

"**Hehehe." **- Skywarp

"**Shut up! Sit down now and pay attention. **_**I'm **_**going first."** - Starscream

"**Are we retreating again?" **- Thundercracker

"**What's that supposed to mean?**" - Starscream

"**You're usually the first to do that, too."** - Thundercracker

"**Hahaha!" **- Skywarp

*sounds of a scuffle*

"Gentleman! Will you please just _sit down_! No pushing! Please don't damage my office!"

"**You heard her, Starscream. Get off me!"** - Thundercracker

"**I'll deal with you later."** - Starscream

*sounds of the three Decepticons re-arranging themselves*

"There. That's better. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"**Thundercracker ripped the carpet, not me."** - Starscream

"Oh dear."

"**What's carpet?"** - Skywarp

"**This stuff. See?" **- Thundercracker

*massive tearing sound*

"Oh no! Stop that! What are you doing!?"

"**You moron! Now look what you've done! Put that down. We had orders not to damage this one!"** - Starscream

"Excuse me!?"

*Starscream clearing his throat*

"**It's like this, Doctor. We received a memo stating your institution felt the Decepticons might respond, shall we say, more **_**cordially**_** to the presence of a female doctor than a male one." **- Starscream

"Oh. Oh yes. I have that memo right here. In fact that's a good place to start from. Thank you, Starscream."

"**Suck up."** - Thundercracker

"**Ripping up carpet is a good place to start? Can I try it?"** - Skywarp

*sigh* **"No, you nitwit. She wants to start our interview!"** - Starscream

"**Oh. Well, whatever it is, I didn't do it!"** - Skywarp

"Actually Starscream, it's a session. A therapy session. My colleagues and I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity to study the unique situation among the Decepticons."

"**Sorry about the carpet, Doc."** - Thundercracker

"That's quite all right, Thundercracker."

"**And what situation would that be?"** - Starscream

"Hmm? Oh...how you would all respond to the presence of a female. Since there doesn't appear to_ be_ any Decepticon females."

*prolonged silence from all three Decepticons*

"**You're here to study us for that?"** - Starscream

"**I thought it was because we wouldn't kill you when we're finished. Megatron's been bitching' about replacement expenses."** - Thundercracker

"**What's a female?"** - Skywarp

"Oh my."

"**A woman. A she. A broad. The fairer sex. The pretty frillies, you know?...sleek...sexy. With real fine lines and...and high heels with a tight caboose. The kind of rear chassis you could burn your hand on. Oh man, what an energon spike!"** - Thundercracker

"**Thundercracker?" **- Starscream

"**And, and...and they're strange and sensitive. And sassy. And tough. And they have great legs and kick real high. And hips! They do this walk that could make you blow a gasket!"** - Thundercracker

"**Thundercracker!"** - Starscream

"**And they smell so nice. Delicate. Deadly...and wicked! You know some of them can bite? Yow! And on their chests they have these two fantastic..."** - Thundercracker

"**Thundercracker! Control yourself!"** - Starscream

"**You're frightening the human, dude."** - Skywarp

"**Take a cold shower, already!"** - Starscream

"**And you're kinda scaring **_**me**_** too."** - Skywarp

"**Huh? What? Oh...sorry, Doc."** - Thundercracker

"Th-that's all right, Thundercracker. We're here to discuss such view points."

"**Way to go, you idiot. Look how **_**nervous **_**she is now! You always were a clod around the ladies. She should study**_** that**_**!"** - Starscream

"**Look who's talkin'!"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah? Why don't we tell her what your name **_**really**_** means. You back-firing **_**moron**_**."** - Starscream

"**Heheheee."** - Skywarp

"**Shut up, Starscream!"** - Thundercracker

"**How about this one, Doctor? When we were younger we went on a double date one time and the first thing Thundercracker says to his girl is 'Hey baby, pull my finger'. Unbelievable!"** - Starscream

"**Hey Doc, ya wanna know why they call him Starscream!? Cause he shouts his own name during sex!"** - Thundercracker

"**So what!?"** - Starscream

"**Haw haw haw!"** - Skywarp

"**What are you laughing at, Prawkys? All you ever took on a date was your right hand!"** - Starscream

"**Stop calling me that!"** - Skywarp

"Oh my goodness! Gentleman! Please! We...we have much to go over and I must ask you to be a little patient. Let's all take a moment to calm down. Please!"

*eight seconds of silence*

"**At least I didn't show my date a necklace of Autobot ears."** - Thundercracker

"**She said liked it!" **- Starscream

"Ok, ok! Look, now that we're all seated properly we can continue with the session? This has all been rather revealing so far. In fact...Thundercracker? Perhaps you can explain that while you seem to be familiar with females, there doesn't appear to be any in attendance now."

"**Well, word around the campfire is they were all lost in an Autobot ambush. That was some time ago."** - Thundercracker

*Starscream scoffs*

"Starscream, do you have something you wish to add?"

"**My dear Doctor...the matter of Decepticon females is...complicated."** - Starscream

"But surely just because there doesn't appear to _be_ any females, that doesn't mean that there _isn't _any."

"**Truuue. But you could also say that there **_**hasn't**_** been any. And that may be the reason there **_**aren't**_**any **_**now**_**."** - Starscream

"Excuse me?"

*nervous chuckle from Starscream*

"**What? What are you gettin' at?"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah, what's going on?"** - Skywarp

"**Uhhehe."** - Starscream

"**Come on, spill the beans already."** - Thundercracker

"**What are you hiding?"** - Skywarp

"**Well...it's like this. Megatron felt the females would provide a distraction. He wanted to insure his warriors would pay attention to the war. So the females were...removed from the equation."** - Starscream

*stunned silence*

"**Well it WORKED! Where are they!? What happened to them?"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah!"** - Skywarp

"**Shut up, Skywarp! You wouldn't even know what one **_**looked **_**like!"** - Starscream

"**Fighting a war for four million years will do that to a guy!"** - Skywarp

"**Let's have it all, Starscream. Tell us everything!"** - Thundercracker

"Gentleman, please. Continue, Starscream. Did the Decepticon's send them away? Banish them perhaps?"

"**Not exactly."** - Starscream

"Please, go on."

"**All right, fine. Skywarp. Do you remember that Decepticon we tossed into the slag pits on Anterus Three? The one wrapped in the tarp?"** - Starscream

"**The one with the odd protrusions on his chest?" **- Skywarp

**That wasn't **_**his**_** chest you fool, it was **_**her**_** chest."** - Starscream

"**What!?"** - Skywarp

"Are you saying the Decepticons _eliminated_ their female counter-parts?"

"**We did!?"** - Skywarp

"**I wouldn't put it that way. How about...dismissed aggressively!"** - Starscream

"**Hold on a second...are you telling me Megatron had his own little piece of tail on Anterus Three?"** - Thundercracker

"What happened to her, Starscream? Please tell me."

"**Well, my good Doctor, you never make Megatron sleep on the couch after a night out 'with the boys'. Especially when he was out buying a new fusion cannon. Ahahaha!"** - Starscream

"Oh my God! He shot her?!"

"**Only once. It was quite a successful test."** - Starscream

"**Where ya goin' Doc? Is she supposed to run out of here like that?"** - Thundercracker

"**So those were boobs, right?"** - Skywarp

"**Gawd, you're an idiot!"** - Starscream

"**Hey Doc, bring a teddy bear with ya when ya come back, huh?"** - Thundercracker

"**I warned you about that, you putrid traitor!"** - Starscream

*sound of the office being destroyed, blaster fire, tape abruptly ends*

Auditor : Prowl. Claim number 47A-19. Payment pending.

_**To be continued...**_

**Please check my forum for an announcement for my readers here at Fanfiction. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

Audio manuscript from Holly. J. Halbrook. PsyD. August 25th, 2014. Session # 141

"Good afternoon, gentleman. I'm glad to see you have returned for this, our second session."

"**It's our pleasure to be here, Doctor."** - Starscream

"**Hey, how come you're new?"** - Thundercracker

"Ah yes, that. Well, I have taken over for my colleague who had to take some personal leave. And...according to her notes, I must say I'm very pleased to see that there's been no trouble with the seating arrangement this morning."

"**That's because Starscream got here first."** - Skywarp

"**Greatness waits for no one!"** - Starscream

"**Yeah, right! You beat it over here right quick because you messed up Megatron's plans to..."** - Thundercracker

"**Shut up, you clod!"** - Starscream.

"Gentleman. Your attention, please. Let's start this out on the right foot, shall we?"

"**What does that have to do with it?"** - Skywarp

"**Put you're foot down, you moron!"** - Starscream

"Okay, moving on! Today gentleman we're going to begin the exercise. You'll find in front of you on the table a corresponding pamphlet related to the case study we began yesterday. I was hoping we could work through it together this morning and avoid any further unpleasantness."

"**You mean...this is still about the female Decepticons?"** - Starscream

"Yes."

"**About the women? Decepticon women? These!?"** - Thundercracker (papers rustling)

"Yes. We would like to monitor your reaction to..."

*sounds of the three Decepticons scrambling for their pamphlets.*

"**Are there pictures? Where are the pictures!? Tell me there's pictures!"** - Skywarp

"**Nothing! Not even a centerfold!" **- Thundercracker

"**Huh. Well, I read it for the articles anyway."** - Starscream

"**Yeah, right!"** - Skywarp

"Gentleman?"

"**Shut up, you idiot! You don't even know what a woman looks like!"** - Starscream

"Excuse me."

"**Sure I do! They look like her!"** - Skywarp

"**That's a fleshling, you goon!"** - Starscream.

"Gentleman!"

"**Hey you know what, I'm gettin' tired of you two gangin' up on me about this." **- Skywarp

"**Let it go, Skywarp."** - Thundercracker

"**Nah man, we haven't even been here two minutes and already it's shut up, Skywarp! Well, you know what? Speakin' of the lack of women around here, why don't we talk about how we always take Bumblebee hostage."** - Skywarp

"Excuse me?"

"**What are you prattling about?!"** - Starscream

"**All this time I thought it was because he was the weakest. But maybe it's because he was the cutest, eh Starscream?"** - Skywarp

"**Uhhh oooh."** - Thundercracker

"**Did you just...you can't..."** - Starscream

"**Hey, lady. Is this place insured?"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah, that's right. I said it. Why dontcha go ask Bumblebee if he wants some more free candy!?"** - Skywarp

*Starscream punches Skywarp*

"Oh my God! Stop that!"

"**If he wasn't going to close his mouth, I was obliged to close it for him, Doctor."** - Starscream

"Please! Sit him back up! No violence, please! Is he all right?"

"**Ehh, he's fine."** - Thundercracker.

"I don't want him to break my chair! Please! Sit him up!"

"**All right, all right. Thundercracker, give me a hand."** - Starscream

*scuffle scrape*

"**Skywarp? Snap out of it. Come on, wake up!"** - Starscream

*clong bong thong*

"**If you're going to keep slappin' him around like that, try opening your hand."** - Thundercracker

"**Noticed that did you? Ahahahaha!"** - Starscream

"Stop punching him!"

"**Just relax, my good Doctor. Shake him awake, Thundercracker. The sooner we finish here the better."** - Starscream

*two minute pass*

"**Skywarp? He's coming out of it. "** - Thundercracker

"Thank goodness."

"**Thank the fact I didn't kill him! Ha!"** - Starscream

"**Ohhh, man. Who hit me?"** - Skywarp

"**Optimus Prime. Now pay attention. Doctor? Bring forth the proper reading material, please."** - Starscream

"Excuse me?"

"**Yeah, I want pictures."** - Thundercracker.

"But this...this is just a questionnaire. We've created a little workshop and have set up a small experiment. That's all. See?"

*sounds of a panel sliding back to reveal a life-sized mock up of a female Decepticon sitting in chair number four*

"Now then, as you can see we have...oh my God! Stop that!"

"**Who is that!?"** - Starscream

"**Ambush!"** - Thundercracker

"**Is it the Autobots!?"** - Skywarp

"**Freeze, bitch!"** - Starscream.

"Please, lower your blasters! It's a mock up. A simple mock up. It's part of the experiment! It goes with the questionnaire! _My God_!"

*prolonged silence*

"**I knew that.**" - Starscream

"**You did not."** - Thundercracker

"**Is that...a female?"** - Skywarp

"**Quit drooling, Skywarp. Sit back down!" **- Starscream

"**Yeah, you're blockin' my view!"** - Thundercracker

"Gentlemen! The experiment! _Please_! Can we just please try and conduct ourselves with some restraint here?"

"**Sounds kinky."** - Thundercracker

"**What do you mean **_**experiment**_**, Doctor? What is this anyway?"** - Starscream

*ahem*

"In wishing to observe how you interact with the fairer sex, it was understood that I would stand in as the voice of the female contestant and run you three through this questionnaire to see how Decepticon warriors like yourselves would respond to the opposite sex purely in a social setting and congenial atmosphere."

"**For cryin' out loud, take a breath why dontcha?"** - Starscream.

"**So this is like...some kinda Decepticon dating-game?"** - Thundercracker

"Put simply, yes."

"**If I win do I get to take her home!?"** - Thundercracker

"**Yeah! Can we keep her!?"** - Skywarp

"Gentlemen, please. This isn't the purpose for which the experiment..."

"**It's not a blow-up doll, you fools. Sit back and pay attention!"** - Starscream

"Thank you, Starscream. Now...shall we begin?"

"**Proceed!"** - Starscream

"If I may make an observation at this point, Starscream, if you want someone to do something for you, it's better not to order them to do it."

"**What other way is there?"** - Starscream

"When it comes to women? Why not just ask her nicely?"

"_**Ask**__**her**_**? **_**Nicely**_**?"** - Starscream

"Why, yes. You would be amazed at the results."

"**I would think pointing my blasters at her would get some amazing results too."** - Starscream

"...you two have nothing to add to that?"

"**Why? Is that a problem?"** - Thundercracker

*all three Decepticons erupt in laughter, high-fiving each other*

"Let's just try some questions then, shall we!?"

"**Very well."** - Starscream

"Contestant number one. Starscream. I'm a young, virile Decepticon woman. Where would you take me on our first date?"

"**Uhhh...umm...hey! Would you like to see the slave pits on Lespas Four? Or the Autobot recycling center?"** - Starscream

"Hoo boy. Contestant number two. Skywarp. If we were sitting watching a movie together, would you take my hand first? Or wait for me to take yours?"

"**What's a movie? Get your own hand!" **- Skywarp

"Good God. Contestant number three. Thundercracker. If you were going to buy me a drink, what would it be?"

"**I dunno. Some oil would be nice."** - Thundercracker

"That's good! And how would you serve it?"

"**Me? I was thinking if you're already in the kitchen, you might as well get me some too."** - Thundercracker

*sounds of Doctor Halbrook tearing up her pamphlet*

"Oookay, I think I've heard enough."

"**What's the matter, Doctor? Why are you suddenly growing so irritable?"** - Starscream

"**Yeah, maybe you need some therapy."** - Skywarp

"Oh, screw _you_, you brain dead lunk! The Autobot's told me how infuriating you Decepticons could be. Yesterday you beat each other up, then today you threaten the first woman you see in four million years all the while responding to her like robotic neanderthals!"

"**What was that? The Autobot's? What do they have to with it?"** - Starscream

"They funded this project. They even provided us with the mock up."

"**What!?" **- Starscream, Skywarp, Thundercracker all together.

"**Hahaha!"** - Wheeljack (transmitting hi-jacked signal at 34.1 rhz)

"**Who was that!?" **- Skywarp

"**It's Wheeljack!"** - Thundercracker

"**It's coming from the mock up!"** - Starscream

"**You guys are pathetic! Hahaha!"** - Wheeljack

"**Grab her! Pin her down! Hold the bitch still!"** - Starscream

*sounds of a scuffle*

"Oh my God! Stop that! Get off of her!"

"**Nyah nyah nyah! I've been listening to the whole thing. This stuff is gold!" **- Wheeljack

"**You bastard! He's been recording us!"** - Thundercracker

"**When I get my hands on you..."** - Starscream

"**Oh yeah? Well I'll be perfectly safe if I look like this mock up. Because you guy's don't have a **_**clue**_** what to do with a woman!"** - Wheeljack

"**Fuck you, you globe headed asshole!"** - Starscream

"**Are these **_**really**_** boobs? Wow!"** - Skywarp

"**Stop that!"** - Starscream

"**HAHAHA!" **- Wheeljack

"**Pull her apart! Find the transmitter! Rip it out of her!"** - Starscream

"**Pay attention, Doc! This what a Decepticon calls getting to first base!"** - Wheeljack

*tearing sounds*

"This is insane! You're all certifiable! Get outta my way! I'm leaving!"

*door slams*

"**Whatta **_**bitch**_**."** - Starscream.

"**Do we have to rip her apart? She's kinda cute."** - Skywarp.

"**Haha!"** - Wheeljack

"**You should talk, Wheeljack! At least we don't keep a bitch-boy like Bumblebee around, you grab-happy ass clown!" **- Thundercracker

"**What's he talking about?"** - Bumblebee

"**Shut up, kid."** - Wheeljack.

"**Maybe Bumblebee should ask Starscream. Haha!"** - Skywarp

"**You wanna go there again, huh? You mother fu..."** - Starscream

*transmission abruptly ends*

Auditor : Prowl. Claim number 48A-21. Payment pending.

Note: Prime, I don't think it's wise that Wheeljack provoke the Decepticons near humans. - Prowl.

Fuck you, Prowl, you kiss-ass! - Wheeljack.

I'm changing my password. - Prowl


End file.
